I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
