If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
