i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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