im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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