I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
