it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
