I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize