True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize