You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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