fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This is my gift to your gina
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
