walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
