I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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