Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
