Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
