Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
