My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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