Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
