Your face is a jimmy john
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
