I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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