He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize