based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
