Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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