Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
