i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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