my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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