an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
