Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
