currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My vagina just clenched in fear
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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