is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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