Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
