If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
