i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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