Duck Duck Cougar?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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