mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Will exercising make me less horny?
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