i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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