I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
