Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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