I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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