awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize