I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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