that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
