This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
