i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Randomize
