I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
