no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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