If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
