So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
