just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
