I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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