i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
