stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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