ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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