Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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