you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
