I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
