i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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