my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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